Conversations in the Library

Customer: I just finished reading this fantastic work of fiction. The main character was reading this book that’s supposed to be brilliant. Do you have it?
Me: No, we don’t. Chances are that he made that book up.
Customer: But the author writes about it in his book!
Me: … which is fiction.
(Examples: the Fault in Our Stars, Shadow of the Wind)


Customer: I was reading the newspaper yesterday, and I saw a great review of this book! Do you have it?
Me: So it was in the newspaper yesterday?
Customer: Yes.
Me: So it probably came out earlier this week.
Customer: Probably, yes.
Me: So how fast do you think we work?


Customer: Do you like working here, dear?
Me: Why, yes, I do.
Customer: You must have lots of time for reading.
Me: … (Thinks about the piles of work on her desk, tries not to laugh like a crazy person)


Customer: I can’t find this book on economics!
Me: *retrieves it for him from its spot* Here you go.
Customer: You know, your cataloguing system made more sense when it was still numbers instead of pictures!
Me: You mean the Dewey Decimal System. And no, it really didn’t.
(Pictograms are more intuitive and make it easier to find a certain subject from a distance than DDS)


Customer: I’ve been trying to find this one picture book for five minutes now! Why aren’t they ordered alphabetically?
Me: How old are your kids?
Customer: Two and five.
Me: Can they recite the alphabet yet?
Customer: No, they’re still in kindergarten.
Me: So how do you expect them to put the books they pull out the shelves, usually at random, back in their right place?


Customer: I am NOT paying 30 cents.
Me: Yes, you are.


Customer: Do you have [Obscure title, such as “the medicinal use of the five lobbed suckers on the tentacles of a feathered squid”]?
Me: Let me look it up.
Me: Computer says no.
Customer: that’s a disgrace! It’s such an important book!
Me: I’m sure it is. If you want, you can jot it down and put it in the idea box, so we can pretend we thought about it.


Customer: I couldn’t find today’s newspaper in the reading area.
Me: That’s correct, they haven’t arrived through the mail yet.
Customer: Well, do something about that.


Customer: *dumps books on the desk and walks away*
Me: Excuse me!
Customer: What?
Me: This book is badly damaged.
Customer: Wasn’t me. *walks out*


(Most of the sass happens in my head. I swear I’m more polite IRL!)